查看完整版本: 青玉案 • 思

青玉案 • 思

[color=Navy][size=5]雨湿倦鸟风吹巷，
自来去，
难思量。
寂静楼台抬眼望。
山含暗黛，
水生迷雾，
极目青纱帐。

亦真亦幻多惆怅，
今日不和旧时样。
滚滚红尘翻作浪，
陶公猛志，
辋川诗趣，
梦里心头上。[/size][/color]  

注：陶公指陶渊明，猛志为陶公诗中语，表其情操志向。辋川诗趣说的是王维，他是历史上著名的大诗人，久居辋川 ，著有辋川诗集。

*** 作者被禁止或删除 内容自动屏蔽 ***

全作言之有物，情思凝聚，值得一读。
上片前几句总觉有无寄之感，似喻以飘摇难寻。
后几句写远望而景迷蒙，暗黛言昏黑，迷雾言朦胧，青纱帐似含遮蔽意味。
只是抬眼望和极目稍有重复之感。
下片前三句写世事纷繁变幻，不禁惆怅感怀。此后一转，写梦里志趣犹存，在暗中存了希望。
此词最高的地方就是淡淡愁怀中又存着积极的意向，而非一味无奈感慨。
只是有几处确似出律了，特别是“思量”中的“量”字应读平声，则这里用作韵脚就不太合适了。
　

有感而发  思中瞭望  思中惆怅  写的很好  红心支持

第一段中,虚实多变!
"亦真亦幻多惆怅"用此句接第一段很漂亮!
因而整体感情融洽.
"寂静楼台抬眼望"此句中的"寂静"还带有寂寥的意思,连接"雨湿倦鸟风吹巷"的景色.
第四红心送上

这两天太忙未来这里，抱歉。仔细读了楼上几位的评语，十份感谢，闲梦友指出的几个不足很中肯，虚心接受。想了想2个地方改一下：一是““思量”中的“量”字应读平声，则这里用作韵脚就不太合适了。”，故改“难思量”为“谁能挡”；二是因“抬眼望和极目稍有重复之感。”，改“极目”为“何处”；两处修改作反问句，个人觉得比以前更通畅、更加深意境了；三是“迷雾”改“雾霭”、“诗趣”改“意趣”。效果如何？请各为仁兄不吝指教。现将改后词再发于此，并附词谱，以便对照交流。

[size=5]青玉案 - 思[/size]

[size=5]雨湿倦鸟风吹巷，自来去，谁能挡。
寂静楼台抬眼望。
山含暗黛，水生雾霭，何处青纱帐。

亦真亦幻多惆怅，今日不和旧时样。
滚滚红尘翻作浪，
陶公猛志，辋川意趣，梦里心头上。  [/size]

附《青玉案》格律--------来源于龙榆生先生《唐宋词格律》

汉张衡《四愁诗》：“美人赠我锦绣段，何以报之青玉案”。因取以为调名。六十七字，前后片各五仄韵。亦有第五句不用韵者。

[size=5]中平中仄平平仄（韵），仄中仄、平平仄（韵）。
仄仄平平平仄仄（韵）。
中平平仄，中平中仄（韵），中仄平平仄（韵）。

中平中仄平平仄（韵），中仄平平仄平仄（韵）。
仄仄平平平仄仄（韵）。
中平平仄，中平中仄（韵），中仄平平仄（韵）。[/size]

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